A Poem to Tear a Mother's Heart Apart

Who knew that becoming a mother would be such an intense, painful, and heart-opening journey? Well, maybe most moms already knew that, but it was quite a surprise for me. I found myself so blown open by it all, and there wasn't any time to process it. After experiencing one of the most insane processes a woman can go through (LABOR!) we are thrust into days and nights full of the busy, exhausting, and totally overwhelming role of being new mamas. It felt like a new identity had been forged into me swiftly and completely, but there was no time to process it.

That's when I started writing poems. I found that I could take the time to quickly and fully write a short little nugget that encapsulated some of what I was feeling. Thank god for the brevity and the completeness of a good poem. So ... here is the first one I wrote. I found myself laying in bed one day while my kiddo was asleep on my chest, feeling the waves of motherly everything wash over me. I typed the poem up onto the notes of my phone, because I had no other tools available and I didn't want to wake up my little newborn daughter!

So, here it is, An Ode to Motherhood:

If I had known that becoming a mother meant being YOUR mother I would have been longing for you my whole life ...

And yet if I had known that being your mom would bring me to my knees

daily

in tidal waves of brutal, guttural, ineffable love, I might have said, “I’m not ready for that.”

So here we sit between those two poles of longing and resistance

growing together in this mystery of human mother and child ...

I wouldn’t trade it for a thing

even as my heart is being torn from my chest all day.